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        For starters, I have to tell you how I got here, and in doing so explain the reasons this blog exists. This is my story. Waiting and Seeking is how it started. Maybe you can relate if you haven’t ever really been quite sure how to find and understand your path with God, or what that means and why it’s important. Rest assured; you are not alone – you are never alone.

                Background – I’ve always been taught to believe in God from a young age. Some of my earliest memories involve God being part of the conversation. My parents were divorced, but church was a typical Sunday event at both households and included some extended involvement at times, such as household prayer groups and volunteering events. In both households we practiced praying during mealtime and bedtime, but with my mother, prayer was more regular and integrated into our daily lives, along with generous giving. My mother has always been a generous giver. The foundation I learned from the experiences with my mom taught me that church is everywhere, every day. Church is at home in the silent prayers by yourself, and the loud ones uttered together when crisis arise. Church is the community of people you are surrounded by. Many times, our neighbors, friends or family members came to our aid. Church is in the community of strangers that generously give out of the loving kindness in their hearts. Christmas gifts were donated to us, and bills were paid. Yes, this is what growing up in poverty is like; but to repeat a statement I made in undergrad: it could always be worse. It’s hard work getting out of poverty, and it’s hard living in it. I learned humility from a young age, and I feel blessed to be where I am today. The struggle is REAL. I used to think my hometown was a place of chaos because everywhere I turned was struggle; someone I knew was always suffering. But now, I realize that those people are my tribe because they not only taught me struggle, they also taught me the meaning of church: a community of people sharing struggles and supporting one another. My family and friends are just as much of a “church” to me as the one I visit on Sunday mornings.

              My parents divorced when I was 5 and my sister and I divided our time between households. My father’s church was Presbyterian and held more rigid guidelines than that of my mother’s biblical mentors; still we were always involved and close with the church activities. As a teenager, my sister and I were encouraged to get baptized and become official members with my father’s church. We took classes to learn about different religions and prepare us for this ceremony. When the time came, my sister followed through with it, but I did not, and not everyone was happy about my decision. I remember this time in my life because as I said before, God is a part of my earliest memories with my mother, and so I strongly questioned myself and that decision at the time. My reasoning was this: I was taught that this ceremony was to renew my spiritual relationship with God and declare to walk with Him from that day forward. To me, that sounded like a marriage, and how could I possibly be ready for something like that at that age? In fact, I didn’t even know what it meant to really, truly have a relationship with God, and I promised myself from that day forward I would search for the meaning. I hoped that when I found it, I would be ready to get baptized and know what kind of commitment I was actually making. Pastors can tell us, but we have to find it and understand it for ourselves. I also didn’t want it to be something I just did again (repeatedly) later when I was finally ready, because I worried then it may not mean as much to me or make as big of an impact. I might have shrugged it off and said, “oh yeah I did that already, no use in considering it further”. But instead, I made a commitment to NOT take (what I considered an) oath until I found the answer, which in turn motivated me to want to find it. To wait and seek. [Side Note: I want to make it clear this was my personal decision, what I felt like I needed to do. I’m not faulting anyone for taking a different approach, in fact we all have our own unique paths to take. I think the problem arises when we forsake ourselves at any point in life by choosing to follow the crowd instead of consciously pursuing our own values].

           The more I draw closer to God (talk to him and seek to understand), the more the Holy Spirit reveals to me. The flood of information that I am hearing can at times feel overwhelming, but the next thing I know I am reassured of what I’ve heard when other contexts in my life start saying the same things. This isn’t one of those “oh you bought a yellow car so now you see yellow cars everywhere” type of thing. Rather, it’s a confirmation and application of the material into the different contexts of my life. I like to think this is how God teaches me because it’s how I learn best, but Christians also call this “confirmation”, so I guess I’m not the only stubborn student out there! I’ve heard similarities from other speakers – that when a concept first comes to them, they tend to study and pray on it for a few days or weeks until they feel they have developed an understanding. We all hear Him differently, some even through dreams. I may be a slow learner, but once I grasp the concept it feels like winning a prize! A crown in the Kingdom of Heaven is a prize. I’m fascinated when I hear people who wouldn’t consider themselves a believer speaking of concepts that are taught in the Bible. Of course, I realize a lot of this has to do with the dilution of religion into modern “basics for being a good human”, or that the separation of religions still retain similar primary principles. It would be easy to write off the human mind as a coincidence of intercepting these topics, but to me it’s much more extraordinary. I think many families have forgotten about the Bible, about Jesus, about what their ancestors went through. We have strayed so far from truth. How many of us can say we even knew who the names of our own ancestors just 4 generations before us? We use ancestry tools that record our DNA just to find lineage. We can’t possibly know all the struggles our ancestors endured and what beliefs they had. How much has been diluted, left out? We may not know about it, but we should try not to forget about it, because otherwise we wouldn’t exist. Nor would we have the basic freedoms to practice our beliefs. This is important because it means we have a responsibility to pass on to future generations. So that we don’t continue to forget and to get lost. But even if we do, God has reassured me that generations of believers form an Angel Army around us. 

        This is also a reminder of how easily we are willing to let a legacy fade or get lost if we’re not intentional about it. I believe God works through us all in our daily lives, but it’s up to us to respond and react to what He’s trying to teach us. I’ll admit I have not always listened to the right voice, but once I started humbly listening, then His whispers became stronger. And I’ll be honest, I am definitely guilty of being forgetful. In school, some topics I could grasp but others I could only retain long enough to take the test. I still often re-read books or certain material I have saved so I can refresh my memory. I am so thankful to God for revitalizing my memory this past year, reminding me of His promises and of who I am, and who He is. I had to be reminded!

      First I was reminded of loved ones I have recently lost.🌟(Grace). That led me to thinking about others who passed in earlier years of my life, and soon led to thoughts of generations before them that I never knew. During this time, I was also drawn to the Old Testament – Genesis and Numbers to name a few. Then I began thinking about my current generation, what we have retained and what we have lost. My mind went back to my own childhood and the foundational lessons I myself have forgotten. Daily healthy habits like praying at meals, before bedtime, or with others during shared crises, or in thanksgiving for all we have. While I’m typically used to praying my strongest in the valleys, He reminded me He’s the God of the MOUNTAINS too. I had to be reminded what kind of foundation I’m building my life on. “The wise man built his house upon the rock“. Was I building my house on sand? These are the questions that I have to stop and ask myself when I’m reading the Bible or listening to a pastor speak. I was reminded not only of my childhood lessons, but also the things that brought me joy. Music and dance were the BIG ones that came to mind, and I will have a whole other post to write all about that topic. Lately, I’ve been reminded of my identity. I recalled the struggles I went through growing up, the struggles of those all over the world who live in poverty or who suffer daily, and that my motivation has always been to help others. I aim for success but I never intended to be greedy. God reminded me of the values He placed in my heart, that He’s always been with me, and that being saved means I have a new identity with Him as His daughter.

       Discouragement is a gross feeling. The Devil works to discourage or distract us; in these ways we are deceived from paying attention to what’s important. We miss opportunities and our fruits become barren instead of plentiful. Even though I know this, I get discouraged and distracted. Even now as I create this blog, I feel discouraged. I keep second guessing myself and changing the design over and over. But when I feel that sensation, I know it’s not from God. He wouldn’t have put this desire into my heart if it wasn’t something I’m supposed to be doing. That in itself has been a recent realization for me, because I started wondering if I was making the right decisions before I knew what it meant to have a relationship with God. The answer came to me in pieces, as it usually does, and helped to deepen my understanding of His grace (which I still don’t think I’ve fully grasped!). What I gathered was that He is and always has been with me, and I always longed to do the right thing, have the right values, and help others. He knew my heart and that I really did want a relationship with Him, even if I ignored Him for years first. Like the lost sheep, His grace means that He will always search for us. As the lost sheep, I ask myself if I’m searching for The Shephard or running in the opposite direction, which I fully admit I have done before because I thought I needed to find my own answers to my problems instead of seeking God. I used to think of Jesus as a lighthouse, my life being a boat desperate for safety in storm. Now I see Him as the anchor – already in the boat and ready to steady it anytime we decide to make use of it. He’s always right here with us! The lighthouse is probably more like the Church (aka the resources, community of believers and teachers you choose to help guide you). I think the Bible is like a compass. With the right influences such as His word, and talking to Him like He’s always there, we have all the tools we need to get closer to God and closer to our gifts. He already has a relationship with us, but are we seeking one with Him? 

        I believe a Revival is starting, and we are all being reminded of all God’s promises. To me they are making more sense than ever before. The more I read, hear, and listen, the clearer it gets. The more my eyes are opened to all of the other communities of believers all over the World. If you’re not hearing it or seeing it, either you are closed-minded, or you are too focused on sources that aren’t really benefiting you. Pastor Jeremiah teaches, “you crave what you pay attention to”. Much of my blog will be sharing these examples with you – a variety of contexts and sources combined with my understanding of what it all means and how it connects. I also know I can’t connect the dots on my own. While I may spend a lot of one on one time with God and the Bible, it usually only comes full circle after I have heard it in other contexts, communities and people. This is how God intended it to be and wants us to live in loving community with one another and to help one another. 

          Fun Fact: Any time you see this symbol 🌟 with a (word), it represents when God gives me a word! AKA a strong word that I feel is being brought to me that I need to pay attention to. It piques my interest when I hear it, even when I’m not paying attention, and I often don’t know what it means right away. It’s also usually the start of a mini revelation. I get a single word in my heart and mind, then hear it in different contexts, then try to study it further to understand.

         So, I had a foundation even if I didn’t know what kind of foundation it was. Growing up seeing two very different religious perspectives and ways of living confused me for a long time. I just didn’t know how to get closer to God. As I got older, the closest times became the times when I was experiencing a “valley” (a low point in my life). That started to build on my foundation, adding another layer to it. Years went by and I found a church that I felt I could relate to – the message spoke to me, I felt like it was speaking my language in a way I could finally understand. I wasn’t a regular attendee at first, but each time I attended, I felt like the pastor was speaking about me and my life. So I decided that was my home “church”. I encourage others to do the same – as in search for the right pastors! (Pastors are just human too, sometimes they get it wrong, that’s why I always put God’s word first while leaning on pastors whose teachings reflect scripture.) Now I have a variety of different pastors and resources that I listen to for different perspectives, but when you still aren’t sure what it all means, do the work and find your “home church”. Find the one that speaks to you. This does mean you have to look, or at least be willing to go if God opens the door, like when you get a flyer in the mail, or a friend invites you to go with them. Don’t discount these gestures. Don’t shrug them off. Make sure when the time comes, God doesn’t say to you “Depart from me, I never knew you”. And no, you do not HAVE to go to church to have a relationship with God. Just like you don’t have to have a lifeboat in order to survive a sinking ship – but it certainly helps. Surrounding yourself with a community of believers and getting to know wise counsel helps build understanding and faith. I am sure you’ve heard the saying “You become like the 5 people you spend the most time with”. Pay attention to the company you keep and the habits and patterns that take the majority of your time before thinking you don’t have enough time to spend studying the bible. If God was the most important friendship/relationship in your life, you would want to get to know Him better. Please hear me – I am not perfect at this! I share these as instructions that have been given to me. As Christians, we know we aren’t perfect and that is the point of wanting to spend more time with Him. Church is like a hospital for sinners – not a gathering for saints.

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           In the meantime, I was contacted by a recruiter for a job I hadn’t even applied for, and it seemed like a perfect gig. A contract role with an intended start date in July. However, the company my services were hired for kept pushing the date back due to delaying their project. After the start date was pushed multiple times, I became frustrated and even started looking for alternative jobs. Cue August: classes start. Then one day in early September I get a call that my great grandmother’s neighbors had taken her to the hospital, and she was very ill. I packed a bag, hopped in the car and drove from Minnesota to St Louis. Hattie was brought home from the hospital where she wanted to be, and I got to stay by her side for a few nights that I will cherish forever. Yes, I kick myself for not having been there more. I had visited, exchanged letters and phone calls throughout the years, and did my best to keep up a relationship with her, but she was lonely and my heart hurts because of that. She knew so much, and I could have done more to capture all the amazing stories she shared. I was so hyper-distraught at that time; I was juggling school and a new situation that I had never found myself in before – taking care of an elder. I am doing my best to describe this timeline to you because this series of events was without a doubt in my mind, juggled by God the whole time. My great uncle had arrived from Texas to help, and his family members planned to come as well. I didn’t know how I would maintain taking care of her unless I didn’t go back to Minnesota. Shortly after arriving in St Louis, my family from Springfield, IL called to inform me that my grandmother (daughter to the great grandmother I was with) was also being taken to the hospital. Nothing was certain yet, and we decided not to inform my great grandmother Hattie until we knew more information, so as not to upset her (She was 102 after all and already in low spirits).

         But then the bad news came – if I wanted to see my grandma, I better get to Springfield and fast. I had to tell my (dying) great grandmother that I was leaving her to go say goodbye to her dying daughter. My heart shook. She broke down in tears saying that she always knew Jeri would go before her. My sister and I arranged a last phone call for them to talk to each other before I left. Not a dry eye was in either room that day. I didn’t think she was going to die. In fact, I argued with my uncle that I wanted to stay in St Louis longer, but he marched my bags out to the car. I made it to Springfield around 7 pm and got a few remaining hours of visiting time to talk with my grandma. In those moments, she was a totally different person than the one I knew my whole life. It was like she transformed, and I was so speechless I couldn’t even take it all in at the time. She said to remember her by 🌟Grace. I didn’t understand at the time. All I could do was comfort her. Just like with my great grandmother, I got to have a truly amazing last conversation with my grandma that I will never forget. The next morning, she was too rough to speak, and she passed the day after that. My soon-to-be employer had called and informed me because of the multiple delays I would need to redo the background check and they would be ready to start me at the end of the month. There I was in the hospital the morning before she died, redoing the background check and wondering what in the world I was going to do – stay in Springfield, go back to St Louis, go back to Minnesota and continue school and a new job? I was overwhelmed to say the least. I went back home, and the next morning I sat out on the patio, listening to the birds chirp and sipping my coffee as I looked at the flowers. A breeze brushed by and I got the text message that she was gone. September 18th.

        I started my new job on September 28th, and on October 28th my great grandmother joined her daughter and husband in Heaven. My uncle Ken lost his sister and his mother back-to-back. He didn’t even get to tell his sister goodbye. I got to see my great grandmother again after the death of my grandmother and she had so much love and support surrounding her, I continued to remind her of that because it felt like the only thing I could do.

         After all of this, I knew God’s hand was reaching down into my life and orchestrating it all. I knew the Bible was the message I needed to hear (the one I had purchased months ago and intended to open). I knew I could talk to God and that he would talk back. And that was when I decided it was time to get baptized. I had asked myself regularly at times in my life when I would be ready, but it hadn’t been a thought on my mind with everything else going on. Then baptisms opened up again after COVID restrictions let up and I just felt like I was ready, like I knew in my heart it was time. I got baptized in November (2020) and if you want to hear more on my story, you can view my interview video HERE. (The interview is embedded in a service, so I recommend you start at about the 26:44 mark.) As a child, I used to love sitting at the table and doing puzzles. My grandma would frequently be gifted puzzles, and visits to her house included seeing the progress on her latest one spread out on one of the various tables. As someone who has been a strategic planner and organizer my entire life, this is when I began to recognize that God had been working behind the scenes, orchestrating every move just like the puzzles I used to do. I never could have set these events in motion with my own planning. Who can plan for the unknown? (GOD can!) Let me recap for you: I finally got the chance to enroll in grad school which I likely would not have done without first LOSING employment unexpectedly. Then a job I didn’t even apply for landed in my lap that allowed me to work from home throughout the pandemic. Although I was eager to start and frustrated with the delays, if they wouldn’t have happened, I likely would not have been able to spend those last precious moments with my grandmother or great grandmother. And the puzzle didn’t stop there…

       In March 2021, I lost the closest thing I have ever had to a child, my one and only Guinness. I remember saying “God, I know we’re not supposed to ask why – why me, why do these things keep happening, but I’m asking anyways, WHY!?” I was deeply hurt and grieving and crying out. I heard a loud whisper say 🌟”It’s not for now, it’s for later”. I didn’t understand, but it was an answer, nonetheless. I recalled a verse, Matthew 20:16 (NIV) “So the last will be first, and the first will be last.” It was also at this time that God led me to read the story of Job, and it definitely gave me perspective to endure.

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       Fast forward to October 2021. I decide to start a blog – to put my story out there including raw emotion and vulnerability. (No pressure, right? 😄) As I review this same passage in Matthew, I re-read it in the Message translation, which reads: “Here it is again, the Great Reversal: many of the first ending up last, and the last first.” It continues to intrigue me in new ways, because since then, I have often times found myself reading the books backwards. Let me explain: I started out reading the bible by simply opening it to whatever random page it opened to. I asked God to guide me to hear what I needed in those moments, and wherever I landed I read. Sometimes I would only read a few pages, but I am an avid highlighter so you can always tell when I haven’t read a page. (Although there are times I read and don’t highlight, but not often). As I continued to do this, I wound up finding myself reading forwards, only to realize I had already highlighted that page and following ones. A whisper said, “read backwards instead”. So, there I was, over and over again opening up to a random page only to find the following ones highlighted so choosing to read backwards from where I started. It followed a pattern of certain related books at different places in the Bible being my focus at the same time. And then two new books would follow suit with the same pattern of being in different places of the Bible but seeming to hit top charts on my most frequent reads. And no, it was not the Bible app. This was all hard copy – no bookmarks. Coincidence? Maybe. But then I would hear a Steven Furtick message, or a Westbridge message, or something in class or at work or, or, or … the same messages I was reading he was teaching me in real life contexts. Coincidence? I think not. I’m convinced that if we open our ears to hear, our eyes to see, our hearts to love, and our minds to grace, then we would all hear the wonderful messages He is trying to teach us. Many are, and Revival is here <3 If you are going to choose a bandwagon to jump on, choose this one. No, I’m not advocating a cult. Not even a religion. Rather, a friendship – the best kind. I’m advocating that if you feel lost or lonely or broken or angry or confused in this messed up world, that you have the courage to seek a relationship with God so that you can hear Him too. My puzzle continues, my story is not over yet. As long as we have breath in our lungs, God is not done with us. Our stories are still being written; our puzzle of life still being put together one piece at a time. And it might be a 50,000-piece, expert level difficulty puzzle, but my gosh is it beautiful. After all, Grandma always said those puzzles are the best kind. 💪 🙌 

Revolution… Count me in. ❣️